You are allowed to change how much you carry

There are times when I notice I have become a little less patient, a little more tired and a little quieter within myself. I am still getting things done and showing up for the people who need me, but there is less room left for me.

My first thought is often that I need to get more organised or manage my time better. It can take me a while to consider that I might be asking too much of myself.

I wonder how many women recognise this feeling. We can become so accustomed to being capable that we stop noticing how much being capable is costing us.

When your mind is always on duty

Sometimes the most tiring part of a day is everything you are keeping track of in your head. You are remembering the appointment that needs booking, noticing the groceries running low, planning for a birthday and wondering how someone you care about is coping.

Alongside your own responsibilities, you are anticipating what other people might need and thinking ahead to keep things running. This is part of the mental load, which includes the thinking and emotional work surrounding everyday life that often remains unseen.

You might finally sit down at the end of the day, but your mind is already moving through tomorrow. Your body has stopped while part of you remains on duty.

When something small brings you undone, it can be easy to judge your reaction without acknowledging everything you were already carrying. Those moments deserve a little understanding.

Make the invisible visible

It can be difficult to explain why you feel overwhelmed when much of what is tiring you never makes it onto a list. Writing down what you are holding in your head can help you see the responsibilities you have come to accept as normal. That includes what you remember, anticipate, organise and worry about, as well as the jobs you physically do.

Seeing it on paper can also make a conversation about sharing responsibilities more specific. There is a difference between someone completing a task when asked and taking responsibility for noticing, planning and following it through. If you still need to give instructions and reminders, some of the thinking remains with you.

Perhaps someone else can take ownership of an appointment, a weekly meal or a family commitment. That may involve accepting a different approach and giving them space to work it out. If there is nobody available to share a responsibility, it may help to consider what could be simplified, done less often or allowed to wait.

Your capacity is allowed to change

Something I have had to get my head around as I have grown older is that what I could manage at one stage of my life can feel very different now. My energy, my body and what I want to give my time to have all changed.

That can be confronting when you have always taken pride in doing a lot. It takes time to stop measuring yourself against a previous version of you and recognise what you need today.

I am learning to ask what feels realistic for the life I am living now. Sometimes that means sharing a responsibility, allowing more time or being more thoughtful about what I agree to. There is still so much I want to give and experience, and being honest about my capacity helps me make room for those things.

You can care without carrying everything

When someone you love is struggling, it is natural to want to make things easier. You listen, offer ideas and perhaps keep thinking about their situation long after the conversation has ended.

I know how easily care can become a sense of responsibility. It helps me to consider whether the person needs advice, someone to listen or practical support. I also need to notice when I am taking responsibility for a decision that belongs to them.

We can offer support while allowing people to find their own way. We can also be honest when we do not have the energy for another conversation or commitment. That honesty can feel uncomfortable, particularly when people are used to us being available, but our capacity needs to be part of the conversation too.

Give yourself room to recover

When I have been giving a lot, I can lose touch with what I need. I know what is happening for everyone else, but have to stop and think when someone asks what I would enjoy.

Painting, moving my body, spending time outside and connecting with people I love help me feel more present in my own life. I also need time when I am not responsible for planning what happens next.

Perhaps that is a useful place to begin. You could notice one thing you are carrying that could be shared or simplified, and make room for something that helps you feel restored.

You do not need to reorganise your whole life today. You can begin by acknowledging how much you are holding and making one caring choice for yourself.

Ali 🤎